This whole dynamic becomes a little more complicated in larger families. Regardless, some family members may end up feeling unsupported or forced to step into shoes they feel they cannot or do not want to fill. Maybe the youngest child has been babied and so they feel they need a little extra emotional support. If it is a parent who died, perhaps the oldest child feels compelled to fill some of their roles. It may be that after a death the oldest child feels they have to step in and take care of grieving parents and younger siblings. If you have a smaller family, it's far more likely that you will have a prototypical 'oldest', 'middle' or 'youngest'. In a perfect world, people would have patience and understanding for one another, but sometimes this is easier said than done.Īlthough research on birth order is often contested, I think we can all agree that position in the family has some impact on who we are as people, how we behave in the family unit, and the expectations we have for other family members. Conversely, if you are the one feeling these emotions, you might feel more distant and isolated from your family. When each person is going through their own individual emotional experience, it can be difficult to figure out how to connect with and support one another. When someone you love is all of a sudden angry, depressed or anxious, or numb, your immediate reaction might be to wish they would snap out of it. Quite often, family members will respond differently to the same death. Shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith. Here is a partial list of emotions typically associated with grief: Your response to grief will be entirely different than anyone else's and so will the range of feelings you experience in response to the loss.
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Grief can make you feel like you are going crazy.
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Some of the roles your loved one used to inhabit will have to be filled by family members and, as everyone adjusts, a seismic shift in the way things 'have always been' can occur. Not only do people have to cope with grief, but they also must deal with the fact that a vital piece of the family is gone. Grieving family members find themselves disinterested and/or incapable of behaving in the ways they used to. When someone dies, the whole family system is thrown off. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance within the family system (but also to dysfunction). Within the family system, each member has a role to play and members of the system are expected to respond to each other according to their role and relationship.
Very basically, the family systems theory says that families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals. Family systems theory was introduced by Dr. We just love talking about theories around here, so let's start with one. In reality, your situation is likely a combination of factors our hope for this post is to simply get you thinking. Still, we have a few general hypotheses about why family misunderstanding might occur after a death, which we're going to discuss today. We receive a lot of questions about why this might happen, and due to complicated family dynamics, it's a question we can rarely answer. Now, some people are lucky to find their family is exactly as supportive and caring as expected, but it is very common for people to turn to their family and find themselves terribly disappointed and confused. If the death happened within the family, then there is fertile ground for family misunderstanding as family members try and deal with changing roles and dynamics, different grieving styles, and complicated emotions. Here's the problem, death and grief can make people act kind of crazy and it can seriously rock a family's center of balance. For many, their family has always been the weight that keeps them grounded and their beacon in the storm. And why shouldn't they? Family is supposed to be there for each other. Dejected by friends, co-workers, and community they may say - well at least I have my family. This post is about death and grief and all those times you've looked at a family member and said - " who are you?" "what are you doing? " "where were you?" "when did you turn into someone I don't know?" "why aren't you there for me?" and " how can I count on you?"Īfter a death, many people feel isolated and misunderstood. Dealing with Friends and Family, Conflict and Disagreement, Family Dynamicsįamily can be great, but that's not what this post is about.